The Counselor is often reminding me that we are human BE-ings, not human DO-ings. He says this because I am often plagued by the great and terrible "should" and I heap shame upon myself for not doing everything I think I should. For not being ABLE to do everything I think I should. In many respects, he is right. In one respect at least, I think he is wrong, or perhaps, not quite right. In the Garden, Adam was given a task to do. In the ideal state, humanity is DO-ing, something. We are not meant to sit on the couch all day and stare into the oblivion of a video game or endless tv reruns.
Don't get me wrong, there is a time and place for rest (though I question whether digital numbness is the rest we need, but that perhaps for another time). Heck, sometimes, it is all a person can do to simply get up, go to work, come home and vegetate, and then do it again the next day. I've been living that myself lately. Struggling with depression, a job of necessity as opposed to work that is my passion, feeling hopeless about certain health issues. I have been in a place where even the things that give my heart joy and my mind peace are exhausting to even think about. But now I am getting restless.
I want to DO *something*. I am not content to just survive anymore. I'll be back in that place again. I know myself well enough to not be that delusional. But right now, here, now, I am restless. I want to create.
If I want to make beautiful paintings, I have to kick myself over to my easel and PAINT, no matter how lame the product might be right now, the only way I'm going to get better at it and have something I'm proud of is if I just do it and forget what it looks like and remember that I'm learning. If I want to sell this coffee table out of the corner of our apartment, I need to post it online and reply to emails until it sells. If I want to finish Starry Night for the Counselor, I need to stop fearing that it'll be awful or lame and just pull it out and work on it. Because it WILL be awesome and it WILL be meaningful, but it won't be anything but a source of disappointment and self-inflicted shame if I never finish it. If I want to lose weight and get on track with this health stuff, I need to get my ass to the gym, cause I've done it successfully and then got scared and gave up. If I want to get the clutter of useless and unused crap out of my home, I'm the one who needs to identify what needs to go and get it out.
No one else can do these things for me.
I have to stop waiting for my life to become what I want it to be and start making it so.
But I am the queen of good intentions, master of self-sabbotage.
Will I care about any of this tomorrow?
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